Welcome back, Me!

Well, after a very long SABBATICAL it seems that I am back! And when I say "I", I mean the original, the true version of I or me. The me that rarely shows herself, or rather gets thru the barrage of layers that block her existance. I pray this makes sense or someone reading this might think I am crazy. Ha! That was funny...I am crazy. Worse than being crazy, is knowing I am crazy. In that I mean, I know who the real me is and when she is stiffled it is so frustrating because I cannot seem to let her out by my shear will alone. No, it takes time and therapy and medication, and time.

So, since my last major break-down, over a year has passed and I experienced some ups and downs with some good and bad times. I almost crashed again, but I was stronger this time than the demon and I prevailed. I am lucky that I was able to stay afloat enough that I could get back to shore. Like my analogies? This one is fitting...for I do sometimes feel like I am drowning in my craziness. So, I feel good. I feel sad that I missed so much or just could not, did not appreciate the time that has passed since I lost myself last.

But let us not focus on that any longer. I cannot get that time back and no reason to dwell on it.

IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK!

Settling down a bit...

Okay, so last week I was all over the place and feeling very overwhelmed by 'grown-up' life. Things are better this week. After a huge blowout with my sister-in-law and lots of tears and talks with my husband...I think we are back on track. Thank God. I was really beginning to think this could have been the end for us. He loves me, this I know for sure. And, I love him. Love may not be enough to stay a marriage forever, but without it...there is nothing. Our love for each other is what gave us each the resolve we needed to get through a very difficult week and keep us fighting for each other. Love is why Vince stood by me and defended me to his sister for the first time. I think he realized that I was not going to take anymore from her and he also realized that my honor was worth defending because she too has been WRONG and it is his place to stand by my side in these matters.

All over the place...

It's Thursday afternoon and I am overwhelmed with 'racing thoughts' today. I am ALL OVER THE PLACE. This is not good.

I have a ton of work to do, my son cried this morning when I brought him to preschool, Sadie started the 8th grade today (and I was not there to see her off), my married is in trouble, our minivan is falling apart, I need to clean the house and catch up on laundry, my step-daughter's birthday party is Saturday and I do NOT want to see my in-laws (they SUCK).

I don't feel any better now that I rambled on...it did not help. Okay, I know my problems may seem insignificant to most. After all, it could be worse and I know that. But this is where I am right now and they are significant for me, right now. I would want pity from anyone, I am just a mess today.

I have to call marriage counselors today to make an appointment. I love Vince, and I know he loves me. The problem is that I was mentally absent for a good portion of our relationship due to the bi-polar beast that insists on getting in the way. Now I am back, mentally healthy for the first time in a long time and Vince has not dealt with any of this and is now holding on to resentment. PS, I completely understand his anger and frustration. However, he keeps his head in the sand (by way of TV) and waits for everything to just happen and everyone else to make it happen. Meanwhile, I cannot live with that. My children need him to get in the game and now we're facing some ultimatums. DAMN IT!


I hate his family (in the exception of his youngest sister) right now and I struggle with feeling guilty about that. They deserve my hatred, they have been so shitty to me and my kids. I feel nothing but disgust for them. I don't want them in my house, I will not step foot in theirs.

I feel like I just woke up and am seeing, for the first time, how I have let people treat me and it is not acceptable. Now I am unwilling to accept it and Vince feels like I am hitting him with a brick. That sucks for him, but I have to stand up for me and my kids. This will not be tolerated any longer.