Hello out there! Wow, it has been awhile...I must be busy. Okay what's new with me? I am completely free of Effexor, thank goodness. If I never take that medication again, it would be too soon. I will never suggest anyone take it either...short of a last resort!
A few weeks ago I finally confessed to my therapist that I had been self-medicating for the last six months or so. You may be asking yourself what 'self-medicating' means...well, in my case it meant that I was getting high everyday on a regular basis. High on marijuana. It always starts out slowly and somewhat innocently. But for me, it never stops there. I love the feeling so much that I cannot get enough. I become 'addicted' to the feeling and want it to last longer and longer each time. And the longer I do this well, the more it takes for me to get high and that scares me. I can see how someone could 'graduate' to harder drugs when the high isn't high enough. I don't know if pot is addictive or not (I know it is debated by many), but I know for a fact...that I am addicted to feeling numb. So, that fear coupled with my fear of being admitted to the crazy ward again prompted me to fess up.
The funny thing is that I wanted Vince (or anyone of my friends who knew) to stop me. I wanted someone to say, "hey, you are not supposed to be getting high..." But, as my therapist pointed out, they are not supposed to save me. I am supposed to save myself. This is me now trying to save myself.
The first few days were rough. Here is where it gets tricky...I take medications to treat the bi-polar, and the marijuana effects my medication and how it works. At this point, there was really no way of knowing if the meds were working or if I would be okay without the Effexor. I was forcing my already fragile mental state to work harder and go nowhere. Thankfully, the meds seem to be working fine. And, here is the real shocker...I feel 100 times better than any day I spent high. DUH!
My mind is clear, my sleep is more regular and with a few coping skills from my therapist, I am doing FANTASTIC. Granted, I know that this is still the beginning and I am on a life-long journey. I am not dreading the work though and it is nice to feel true happiness, as opposed to drug-induced euphoria.
What have I learned this month that I did not know before? A lot! Get this, if you spend your life dealing with or experiencing everything a certain way, you become conditioned to that way. For instance, a person who is used to constant chaos cannot function without it...unless they retrain themselves to do so. It seems to simple, yet it is proving to be a major task in everyday. Not to say that I am the person who creates chaos just to function...anyone reading this that knows me would know that I am not dramatic. Ha ha, I can't believe I just wrote that. Of course I am dramatic and neurotic and self-destructive and a slew of other wonderful big-words. But, hey we all have our own issues right?
I am going to concentrate on mine. Each day gets better and each day I learn a new way to relax and overcome stress and guilt. That was the word of the day for a long time; I carry guilt for everything and more times than not I can let it go....it was never mine to assume. WOW!
Until next time...
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Dave and I have been smoking again for the last 6 months or so. It has truly been like marriage counseling for us. We don't know anyone to purchase said therapy from so we at this point don't have the opportunity to become addicted. As far as I am concerned, pot is not physically addictive but under the right circumstances can become super emotionally addictive, so you should STAY AWAY! ;)
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