I must get these stories on paper (virtually, at least). My son, the love of my life, is still potty training. I, for one, see no reason why this should be treated as a big deal. Of course he is well on his way to being a "momma's boy" and I should nip that in the bud. Nonetheless, he is getting there and each day brings us closer to his freedom from the diaper. So, yesterday while spending the day with his sister, he calls me to say "mommy, I'm a big boy. I did poopy on the potty." To which I say excitedly, "yeah, you're such a big boy. Mommy is so proud of you." And his response..."mommy, you have to come home and give me a high-five."
The rest of the world may not share my enthusiasm, but that was so awesome and I love my little mister even more because of it. I hate being a work during moments like this.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Thursday, July 19, 2007
I would like to address "R"
Please identify yourself...
I just started my workday and as usual I read my personal email. Much to my surprise someone has left an anonymous comment to my last post. So, who are you? I have an idea, but like most things....I have to know.
To answer your question, things ARE better for me since meeting Vince. Let me clarify though, Vince is not the cure-all. He is no doubt the love of my life, and most times my saving grace. He steadies me and calms me when I need it most. But, and this is important, I would have survived these last few years without him. I do not EVER want to know what it would have been like, or what it could be like now without him. I am thankful everyday for him. This much I know is true; I live for my children. I like to think that I would have learned all that I have since meeting Vince even if I hadn't met him. I cannot say for sure that would have been the case. What ifs do not count. This is my life now and I love my life. Christ, it took more than 30 years to say that...and mean it.
I hope that answers your question, and I hope you answer mine.
I just started my workday and as usual I read my personal email. Much to my surprise someone has left an anonymous comment to my last post. So, who are you? I have an idea, but like most things....I have to know.
To answer your question, things ARE better for me since meeting Vince. Let me clarify though, Vince is not the cure-all. He is no doubt the love of my life, and most times my saving grace. He steadies me and calms me when I need it most. But, and this is important, I would have survived these last few years without him. I do not EVER want to know what it would have been like, or what it could be like now without him. I am thankful everyday for him. This much I know is true; I live for my children. I like to think that I would have learned all that I have since meeting Vince even if I hadn't met him. I cannot say for sure that would have been the case. What ifs do not count. This is my life now and I love my life. Christ, it took more than 30 years to say that...and mean it.
I hope that answers your question, and I hope you answer mine.
Wednesday, July 18, 2007
Baby steps? Leaps & bounds!
Okay, so it is undoubtedly my mother who is my greatest adversary. I suppose she never meant to be nor does she even realize it. Nonetheless, let's call a spade... well, a spade.
Since meeting my dear husband, I have learned several things about my relationship with my mother. Things that he very clearly pointed out. One of my favorite moments happened one evening while I ironed clothes for Vincent. I called my mother in an ill-fated attempt to gain her approval for something I cannot recall now. Not the point. As I ended the call, tears streaming down my face, I turned to Vincent so that I could regurgitate the conversation all over him. He stopped me promptly and said these magic words, "the next time you go to call your mother, just let me know and I will punch you in the head...it would have the same effect."
No truer words were ever spoken about my relationship with her. So, now you have a little insight. My therapist says I need to create boundaries for my relationship with mom, and strangely enough I listened.
I am PROUD of myself for handling what could have been a volatile situation last weekend. My older brother and I have just recently started mending our relationship which falls prey to my mother more often than I would like to admit. We can talk about that another time. Last Friday night I receive a call from mother and as I go to answer I look to Vincent and comment on how I cannot imagine what she would be calling for. If only I had let it go to voicemail. We get passed the hellos and howareyous and on to the meat of the call. She says, "so what are you guys doing on Sunday?" and I say, without thinking, "nothing, why what's up?" She goes on to invite us (& the kids) up for early dinner and although Vince is working, I agree to take the kids up. Afterall, she leaves the next day on a two-week vacation to Florida. Now that she has me in her net, she decides to tell me that Danny & Deidre & the kids will be there as well. This is not a problem because it's my brother and his family; it is a problem because my brother and I have come to realize that our relationship has a fighting chance when Mother is no where around. I know that sounds godawful, but take my word for it. As I was saying, she has me trapped and then goes on to say that we'll be having cake too for Taylor's (niece) birthday. Again, no big deal except this is my mother's way of pulling all the puppet strings just the way she would like so that things would happen just the way she would like (or at least how she thinks they should). Newsflash: they never go that way. Christ, now I am having anxiety over what was supposed to be a nice, quiet, quick meal with mom.
Saturday comes and we (my family) are spending the day at a near-by amusement park and having a lovely time. Just around 7:30 pm, I receive another call. This time, it is my mother's evil 'drunk' twin. I am not sure which one I know better, or spent more time with as a child. Okay, so at this point...I definitely do not want to participate in the next day's affairs. On the fly, I make up an excuse about why we will not make it up the next day and offer my apologies. At this she tries to guilt me with "well, it would be nice to see you guys but I guess I'll have to wait until I get back from Florida" saying this as slowly and pathetically as possible. PLEASE, give me a break. This woman has never shed a tear about not seeing us and when we do go, she is pushing us out the door as fast as we came in.
Moral of the story....I LIKE MY BOUNDARIES.
Since meeting my dear husband, I have learned several things about my relationship with my mother. Things that he very clearly pointed out. One of my favorite moments happened one evening while I ironed clothes for Vincent. I called my mother in an ill-fated attempt to gain her approval for something I cannot recall now. Not the point. As I ended the call, tears streaming down my face, I turned to Vincent so that I could regurgitate the conversation all over him. He stopped me promptly and said these magic words, "the next time you go to call your mother, just let me know and I will punch you in the head...it would have the same effect."
No truer words were ever spoken about my relationship with her. So, now you have a little insight. My therapist says I need to create boundaries for my relationship with mom, and strangely enough I listened.
I am PROUD of myself for handling what could have been a volatile situation last weekend. My older brother and I have just recently started mending our relationship which falls prey to my mother more often than I would like to admit. We can talk about that another time. Last Friday night I receive a call from mother and as I go to answer I look to Vincent and comment on how I cannot imagine what she would be calling for. If only I had let it go to voicemail. We get passed the hellos and howareyous and on to the meat of the call. She says, "so what are you guys doing on Sunday?" and I say, without thinking, "nothing, why what's up?" She goes on to invite us (& the kids) up for early dinner and although Vince is working, I agree to take the kids up. Afterall, she leaves the next day on a two-week vacation to Florida. Now that she has me in her net, she decides to tell me that Danny & Deidre & the kids will be there as well. This is not a problem because it's my brother and his family; it is a problem because my brother and I have come to realize that our relationship has a fighting chance when Mother is no where around. I know that sounds godawful, but take my word for it. As I was saying, she has me trapped and then goes on to say that we'll be having cake too for Taylor's (niece) birthday. Again, no big deal except this is my mother's way of pulling all the puppet strings just the way she would like so that things would happen just the way she would like (or at least how she thinks they should). Newsflash: they never go that way. Christ, now I am having anxiety over what was supposed to be a nice, quiet, quick meal with mom.
Saturday comes and we (my family) are spending the day at a near-by amusement park and having a lovely time. Just around 7:30 pm, I receive another call. This time, it is my mother's evil 'drunk' twin. I am not sure which one I know better, or spent more time with as a child. Okay, so at this point...I definitely do not want to participate in the next day's affairs. On the fly, I make up an excuse about why we will not make it up the next day and offer my apologies. At this she tries to guilt me with "well, it would be nice to see you guys but I guess I'll have to wait until I get back from Florida" saying this as slowly and pathetically as possible. PLEASE, give me a break. This woman has never shed a tear about not seeing us and when we do go, she is pushing us out the door as fast as we came in.
Moral of the story....I LIKE MY BOUNDARIES.
Tuesday, July 3, 2007
Since last I blogged.
Hello out there! Wow, it has been awhile...I must be busy. Okay what's new with me? I am completely free of Effexor, thank goodness. If I never take that medication again, it would be too soon. I will never suggest anyone take it either...short of a last resort!
A few weeks ago I finally confessed to my therapist that I had been self-medicating for the last six months or so. You may be asking yourself what 'self-medicating' means...well, in my case it meant that I was getting high everyday on a regular basis. High on marijuana. It always starts out slowly and somewhat innocently. But for me, it never stops there. I love the feeling so much that I cannot get enough. I become 'addicted' to the feeling and want it to last longer and longer each time. And the longer I do this well, the more it takes for me to get high and that scares me. I can see how someone could 'graduate' to harder drugs when the high isn't high enough. I don't know if pot is addictive or not (I know it is debated by many), but I know for a fact...that I am addicted to feeling numb. So, that fear coupled with my fear of being admitted to the crazy ward again prompted me to fess up.
The funny thing is that I wanted Vince (or anyone of my friends who knew) to stop me. I wanted someone to say, "hey, you are not supposed to be getting high..." But, as my therapist pointed out, they are not supposed to save me. I am supposed to save myself. This is me now trying to save myself.
The first few days were rough. Here is where it gets tricky...I take medications to treat the bi-polar, and the marijuana effects my medication and how it works. At this point, there was really no way of knowing if the meds were working or if I would be okay without the Effexor. I was forcing my already fragile mental state to work harder and go nowhere. Thankfully, the meds seem to be working fine. And, here is the real shocker...I feel 100 times better than any day I spent high. DUH!
My mind is clear, my sleep is more regular and with a few coping skills from my therapist, I am doing FANTASTIC. Granted, I know that this is still the beginning and I am on a life-long journey. I am not dreading the work though and it is nice to feel true happiness, as opposed to drug-induced euphoria.
What have I learned this month that I did not know before? A lot! Get this, if you spend your life dealing with or experiencing everything a certain way, you become conditioned to that way. For instance, a person who is used to constant chaos cannot function without it...unless they retrain themselves to do so. It seems to simple, yet it is proving to be a major task in everyday. Not to say that I am the person who creates chaos just to function...anyone reading this that knows me would know that I am not dramatic. Ha ha, I can't believe I just wrote that. Of course I am dramatic and neurotic and self-destructive and a slew of other wonderful big-words. But, hey we all have our own issues right?
I am going to concentrate on mine. Each day gets better and each day I learn a new way to relax and overcome stress and guilt. That was the word of the day for a long time; I carry guilt for everything and more times than not I can let it go....it was never mine to assume. WOW!
Until next time...
A few weeks ago I finally confessed to my therapist that I had been self-medicating for the last six months or so. You may be asking yourself what 'self-medicating' means...well, in my case it meant that I was getting high everyday on a regular basis. High on marijuana. It always starts out slowly and somewhat innocently. But for me, it never stops there. I love the feeling so much that I cannot get enough. I become 'addicted' to the feeling and want it to last longer and longer each time. And the longer I do this well, the more it takes for me to get high and that scares me. I can see how someone could 'graduate' to harder drugs when the high isn't high enough. I don't know if pot is addictive or not (I know it is debated by many), but I know for a fact...that I am addicted to feeling numb. So, that fear coupled with my fear of being admitted to the crazy ward again prompted me to fess up.
The funny thing is that I wanted Vince (or anyone of my friends who knew) to stop me. I wanted someone to say, "hey, you are not supposed to be getting high..." But, as my therapist pointed out, they are not supposed to save me. I am supposed to save myself. This is me now trying to save myself.
The first few days were rough. Here is where it gets tricky...I take medications to treat the bi-polar, and the marijuana effects my medication and how it works. At this point, there was really no way of knowing if the meds were working or if I would be okay without the Effexor. I was forcing my already fragile mental state to work harder and go nowhere. Thankfully, the meds seem to be working fine. And, here is the real shocker...I feel 100 times better than any day I spent high. DUH!
My mind is clear, my sleep is more regular and with a few coping skills from my therapist, I am doing FANTASTIC. Granted, I know that this is still the beginning and I am on a life-long journey. I am not dreading the work though and it is nice to feel true happiness, as opposed to drug-induced euphoria.
What have I learned this month that I did not know before? A lot! Get this, if you spend your life dealing with or experiencing everything a certain way, you become conditioned to that way. For instance, a person who is used to constant chaos cannot function without it...unless they retrain themselves to do so. It seems to simple, yet it is proving to be a major task in everyday. Not to say that I am the person who creates chaos just to function...anyone reading this that knows me would know that I am not dramatic. Ha ha, I can't believe I just wrote that. Of course I am dramatic and neurotic and self-destructive and a slew of other wonderful big-words. But, hey we all have our own issues right?
I am going to concentrate on mine. Each day gets better and each day I learn a new way to relax and overcome stress and guilt. That was the word of the day for a long time; I carry guilt for everything and more times than not I can let it go....it was never mine to assume. WOW!
Until next time...
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