Fell off the wagon?

Can this phrase be used for a nut job with bipolar? Are there crazy wagons? I wonder. So here I am unraveling, quicker with each passing day. If I am being honest, I saw this coming. Smoking too much weed, not handling the finances properly, increased sex drive....these are MY indicators. That's a pretty shitty hand I think. Couldn't I get stuck with drooling and banging my head against a wall? These would certainly attract attention; possibly saving me some time and craziness. Not too mention, I have never heard of anyone calling a person a whore because she was banging her head into a wall while drooling. As you might imagine, my indicators are bitches. They do me no good what so ever, completely self-destructive. It makes no sense, I am an intelligent woman. I know better. I work in an accounting department for Pete's sake, and I can't handle my own finances. I am raising a daughter whom I pray will hold herself to the highest level and not give away what she only can give once. Meanwhile, I will allow myself to be used and abused repeatedly. I let the worst of the worst have their way with me, while I struggle to raise my son to be a good man because there are far too few good men in the world. My life is an oxymoron!

Shit, I think that will the title to my book when I write it. I figure people who read the entire story (and it may come in volumes or series) will find it so incredibly unbelievable that it will be a best-seller for sure.

Look at me right now! I am 34, twice divorced (in 6 years!), have two children by two different men, neither of whom ever wanted my kids nor have ever done anything for my kids, and now my newest ex-husband-to-be does not want a single thing to do with my son who he raised from 5 mos. to now. My son just turned 4. What the hell went wrong? I did some stupid shit in my life, I will openly admit that; however, I only hurt myself along the way. So, why do I feel sometimes like I am being punished? Am I being punished for hurting myself? Really? Probably. I should be good to me. Or at least to my children's mother. They deserve that much.

As bad as feel, I am not on the edge, or hanging by my last thread or any of the thousand cliches for this...but I am getting close. Time to face the truth again, do the therapy, change some meds...the same old shit.

I'll tell you what though, this sucks. This sucks big, stinky, sweaty, hairy balls! Monkey balls at that. Sorry to be so graphic, but that is truly how I feel about it. Don't get me wrong, I know damn well that someone who has a fatal disease would trade places with me in a heartbeat. For some reason, that doesn't help me accept this. I hate being sick, mental, crazy, whatever you want to call it. I hate not being in control of my emotions and reactions and thoughts. I hate the demon for gaining strength when I am not paying attention. I hate that I have a wonderful, blessed life that I struggle to be happy in. How dare I be so hopeless, and feel so helpless when I have been blessed countless times in my life? It could be so much worse, this I know. I watch and read about people's lives that are so unfair and unjust so that I can be reminded how fortunate I am.

Absurd. I pity myself. I am ashamed of that. I feel sorry for myself sometimes and I want people to feel sorry for me sometimes. Just typing that statement makes me nauseous. I am a horrible person. I talk a big game and I can put on a big act...but at the end of the day, I still really wish someone would take all the burden away. I just want to feel happy, truly happy.

Welcome back, Me!

Well, after a very long SABBATICAL it seems that I am back! And when I say "I", I mean the original, the true version of I or me. The me that rarely shows herself, or rather gets thru the barrage of layers that block her existance. I pray this makes sense or someone reading this might think I am crazy. Ha! That was funny...I am crazy. Worse than being crazy, is knowing I am crazy. In that I mean, I know who the real me is and when she is stiffled it is so frustrating because I cannot seem to let her out by my shear will alone. No, it takes time and therapy and medication, and time.

So, since my last major break-down, over a year has passed and I experienced some ups and downs with some good and bad times. I almost crashed again, but I was stronger this time than the demon and I prevailed. I am lucky that I was able to stay afloat enough that I could get back to shore. Like my analogies? This one is fitting...for I do sometimes feel like I am drowning in my craziness. So, I feel good. I feel sad that I missed so much or just could not, did not appreciate the time that has passed since I lost myself last.

But let us not focus on that any longer. I cannot get that time back and no reason to dwell on it.

IT IS GOOD TO BE BACK!

Settling down a bit...

Okay, so last week I was all over the place and feeling very overwhelmed by 'grown-up' life. Things are better this week. After a huge blowout with my sister-in-law and lots of tears and talks with my husband...I think we are back on track. Thank God. I was really beginning to think this could have been the end for us. He loves me, this I know for sure. And, I love him. Love may not be enough to stay a marriage forever, but without it...there is nothing. Our love for each other is what gave us each the resolve we needed to get through a very difficult week and keep us fighting for each other. Love is why Vince stood by me and defended me to his sister for the first time. I think he realized that I was not going to take anymore from her and he also realized that my honor was worth defending because she too has been WRONG and it is his place to stand by my side in these matters.

All over the place...

It's Thursday afternoon and I am overwhelmed with 'racing thoughts' today. I am ALL OVER THE PLACE. This is not good.

I have a ton of work to do, my son cried this morning when I brought him to preschool, Sadie started the 8th grade today (and I was not there to see her off), my married is in trouble, our minivan is falling apart, I need to clean the house and catch up on laundry, my step-daughter's birthday party is Saturday and I do NOT want to see my in-laws (they SUCK).

I don't feel any better now that I rambled on...it did not help. Okay, I know my problems may seem insignificant to most. After all, it could be worse and I know that. But this is where I am right now and they are significant for me, right now. I would want pity from anyone, I am just a mess today.

I have to call marriage counselors today to make an appointment. I love Vince, and I know he loves me. The problem is that I was mentally absent for a good portion of our relationship due to the bi-polar beast that insists on getting in the way. Now I am back, mentally healthy for the first time in a long time and Vince has not dealt with any of this and is now holding on to resentment. PS, I completely understand his anger and frustration. However, he keeps his head in the sand (by way of TV) and waits for everything to just happen and everyone else to make it happen. Meanwhile, I cannot live with that. My children need him to get in the game and now we're facing some ultimatums. DAMN IT!


I hate his family (in the exception of his youngest sister) right now and I struggle with feeling guilty about that. They deserve my hatred, they have been so shitty to me and my kids. I feel nothing but disgust for them. I don't want them in my house, I will not step foot in theirs.

I feel like I just woke up and am seeing, for the first time, how I have let people treat me and it is not acceptable. Now I am unwilling to accept it and Vince feels like I am hitting him with a brick. That sucks for him, but I have to stand up for me and my kids. This will not be tolerated any longer.

My children save my life...over and over again.

I must get these stories on paper (virtually, at least). My son, the love of my life, is still potty training. I, for one, see no reason why this should be treated as a big deal. Of course he is well on his way to being a "momma's boy" and I should nip that in the bud. Nonetheless, he is getting there and each day brings us closer to his freedom from the diaper. So, yesterday while spending the day with his sister, he calls me to say "mommy, I'm a big boy. I did poopy on the potty." To which I say excitedly, "yeah, you're such a big boy. Mommy is so proud of you." And his response..."mommy, you have to come home and give me a high-five."

The rest of the world may not share my enthusiasm, but that was so awesome and I love my little mister even more because of it. I hate being a work during moments like this.

I would like to address "R"

Please identify yourself...

I just started my workday and as usual I read my personal email. Much to my surprise someone has left an anonymous comment to my last post. So, who are you? I have an idea, but like most things....I have to know.

To answer your question, things ARE better for me since meeting Vince. Let me clarify though, Vince is not the cure-all. He is no doubt the love of my life, and most times my saving grace. He steadies me and calms me when I need it most. But, and this is important, I would have survived these last few years without him. I do not EVER want to know what it would have been like, or what it could be like now without him. I am thankful everyday for him. This much I know is true; I live for my children. I like to think that I would have learned all that I have since meeting Vince even if I hadn't met him. I cannot say for sure that would have been the case. What ifs do not count. This is my life now and I love my life. Christ, it took more than 30 years to say that...and mean it.

I hope that answers your question, and I hope you answer mine.

Baby steps? Leaps & bounds!

Okay, so it is undoubtedly my mother who is my greatest adversary. I suppose she never meant to be nor does she even realize it. Nonetheless, let's call a spade... well, a spade.

Since meeting my dear husband, I have learned several things about my relationship with my mother. Things that he very clearly pointed out. One of my favorite moments happened one evening while I ironed clothes for Vincent. I called my mother in an ill-fated attempt to gain her approval for something I cannot recall now. Not the point. As I ended the call, tears streaming down my face, I turned to Vincent so that I could regurgitate the conversation all over him. He stopped me promptly and said these magic words, "the next time you go to call your mother, just let me know and I will punch you in the head...it would have the same effect."

No truer words were ever spoken about my relationship with her. So, now you have a little insight. My therapist says I need to create boundaries for my relationship with mom, and strangely enough I listened.

I am PROUD of myself for handling what could have been a volatile situation last weekend. My older brother and I have just recently started mending our relationship which falls prey to my mother more often than I would like to admit. We can talk about that another time. Last Friday night I receive a call from mother and as I go to answer I look to Vincent and comment on how I cannot imagine what she would be calling for. If only I had let it go to voicemail. We get passed the hellos and howareyous and on to the meat of the call. She says, "so what are you guys doing on Sunday?" and I say, without thinking, "nothing, why what's up?" She goes on to invite us (& the kids) up for early dinner and although Vince is working, I agree to take the kids up. Afterall, she leaves the next day on a two-week vacation to Florida. Now that she has me in her net, she decides to tell me that Danny & Deidre & the kids will be there as well. This is not a problem because it's my brother and his family; it is a problem because my brother and I have come to realize that our relationship has a fighting chance when Mother is no where around. I know that sounds godawful, but take my word for it. As I was saying, she has me trapped and then goes on to say that we'll be having cake too for Taylor's (niece) birthday. Again, no big deal except this is my mother's way of pulling all the puppet strings just the way she would like so that things would happen just the way she would like (or at least how she thinks they should). Newsflash: they never go that way. Christ, now I am having anxiety over what was supposed to be a nice, quiet, quick meal with mom.

Saturday comes and we (my family) are spending the day at a near-by amusement park and having a lovely time. Just around 7:30 pm, I receive another call. This time, it is my mother's evil 'drunk' twin. I am not sure which one I know better, or spent more time with as a child. Okay, so at this point...I definitely do not want to participate in the next day's affairs. On the fly, I make up an excuse about why we will not make it up the next day and offer my apologies. At this she tries to guilt me with "well, it would be nice to see you guys but I guess I'll have to wait until I get back from Florida" saying this as slowly and pathetically as possible. PLEASE, give me a break. This woman has never shed a tear about not seeing us and when we do go, she is pushing us out the door as fast as we came in.

Moral of the story....I LIKE MY BOUNDARIES.